As my first semester of college ends, I realize I've sickened myself and sacrificed so much of my personality to keep everyone happy. I'm doing well, but I'm almost an emotional wreck.
I'm beginning to hate everything, and everyone. I can't do anything about it, either.
I'm beginning to hate my relatives, who jerk my financial leash and then predate on everyone emotions so that no one is left truly happy after each encounter.
I'm beginning to hate my classes, after acing almost every one of them and not ever feeling satisfied with the work I've done.
I'm beginning to hate my colleagues, whose freedom makes me look like a caged bird. While they all hoot, holler and party on campus I sit here broke and alone with nothing to occupy me but schoolwork and chores.
And I've ALWAYS hated the strict ways in which other people's money has controlled my life.
I could put a lot of "If I had" sentences here, but the real one is "If I actually had the 'independence' I was promised, I would not feel like this." I feel lied to, like I forgot to read the fine print on a contract my own kin offered me. This is not the life I was promised, and everyone I know has trampled on any sliver of comfort they once offered me after I did nothing but give my best to them.
If I could turn my back on everything and never see anyone again, I would do it in a flash. I think I've far outgrown this phase in my life. There has to be something better than this. Because if there is, I need to find it or go fucking INSANE.